It's been a while since the last time I wrote something on these virtual pages. It was summer and I was putting in words how numb I was feeling.
This time I want to start with a quotation from
Let's Pretend We're Not in Love, a song from "Bowling for Soup", which made me think a lot.
I'm not asking for forgiveness
'Cause I don't know what I did
It is a situation I often find myself into because, plain and simple, I have no consciousness of myself and my surroundings. This may be felt by the others as an incapacity to care for those around me. I cannot blame them for I do nothing to change it and keep on asking me what I did wrong as I cannot find an answer. It's not that I don't care, or, at least, it's not what I know I feel. It's that my fear of being alone makes me run after people who show me they know I an there. This leads me to involuntarily break links and relationships without me noticing it. Who should be blamed, considering I cannot even find the strength needed to try to repair or recreate these links?
And here I ask myself "Why can't I try? Because I'm afraid? How can my fear be stronger than my desire to catch up with lost links? Do I really love them or was I fooling myself thinking my feeling were true?"
And so, here I am. Still questioning. Still staring into the void.
I would like to say
Let's make this interesting and start all over
But hiding the problem and acting pretending it has never been occurred does not make it better. It will come to the surface once again.
I know all of this but I still am struck.
